The Real Answers to the Top 5 Homeschool Questions

Okay, I admit it. I have a real sarcastic side. Hence the whole point of this blog, right?
But, one of my favorite pastimes is coming up with the answers to dumb questions you know you want to say, but probably won't.
Probably.
Maybe?
I don't know, y'all, the older I get (I am a blissful old lady of 36) the more I am kinda just going to go with what may already be rolling right off my tongue. Usually not for anything important, mind you, but there are days my closed lips lose the battle and my tongue starts to have convulsions.

What do you say when people ask you a question you have answered a hundred times?

It never ceases to amaze me that people think they are the first ones to ask these questions.
I mean, it is like the 1980s and the 1990s never even happened where homeschooling was being constantly debated.
Anyway, I digress. Let's dive right in. Here are the answers you know you want to give when someone (probably a stranger who thinks they have the right to question your parenting decisions) asks you one of the top 5 questions homeschoolers get asked.

Question 1: What about socialization?

I can literally see in my warped mind the faces of all you experienced homeschool moms and dads. You totally knew that was going to be the first one.
So, when this question gets asked, what does the person really mean? Because it is obviously not quite as simple as the question itself.
Unless they think you are going to lock your child in a closet (oh hey, wait, that's what happens to Christian converts in other countries) where your child will never, ever have contact with another human being, than this question is just rude.
Mom is a person. Daddy is a person. If there are other children (and let's face it, with homeschoolers there are almost always other children) then there are people for that child to "socialize" with.
What they most likely mean is why aren't you putting your child in a tiered, age-segregated group where they can learn to ONLY socialize with children their own age.
So, now that we understand the real question, here is my "I-so-want-to-say-this" answer.

"My children receive lots of socialization. We visit the zoo on a weekly basis, and they have marvelous conversations with the chimps and apes. They enjoy making hand signals back and forth, and both the children and the monkeys seem to come away with a renewed sense of purpose in life. We tried to make weekly visits to a local government school, so that the kids could see other children neatly packed into age-segregated display rooms, but, sadly, the local population (the other children) never bothered to look up from their devices. So they were completely unaware my children had come to see them in their natural habitat. At the end of the trip, my oldest, she is 10, and going in to college next year, said what she missed the most was not being able to communicate through any form of sign language with the indigenous children of the local government school establishment."

If the question asker is still around by the end of the answer, you might want to make sure they know what sarcasm is, just to be on the safe side. After all, you don't want to get reported to the local authorities for crashing classes at a local government school.

Question 2: Are you even qualified to teach your children?

Now, no lie, we got asked this question by our next door neighbor. My first question back to the person that asks this is, "what do you mean by qualifications?"
After assuring them that I know what the definition of the word is, they usually respond with a feeble answer like, "you know, a teaching degree."
So, here is my answer, now that I have snagged them 'round the neck with their own qualifications requirement.

"Well, since you brought it up, let's dive into that, shall we? Every single teacher in the government school system has a teaching certificate. Now, they may not always have a specific degree in teaching, but they are required to be licensed teachers. Yet, homeschoolers out-perform government educated children on EVERY SINGLE STANDARDIZED test that exists in the USA.
But wait! It gets worse. Studies have been done that show that the education level of the parent does not change whether or not the child will succeed. So, to put that in plain English. Moms who never bothered to finish high school, churn out better educated children than people who are qualified to.
I am going to be completely honest with you sir or madame, I do not want to be qualified to teach my child because, clearly, being qualified is what is wrong with every single school teacher in America."

Question 3: But, will they be able to succeed in the real world?

Here again, I am kinda offended. Our home is the real world!
But, hey, I know what they think they mean. They mean will your scared, unsocialized little whelp be able to creep out from under your apron and find a job that actually pays money and support themselves.
The quick answer is "duh, yes." But, since we want to add a little more schmaltz to that, let me go a little further.

"When was the last time you went to a fast food joint? (Chick-fil-a doesn't count.) When was the last time you tried to get decent customer service anywhere?
Okay, so 98% of the people that you deal with at these places were educated in the government school system. And, they have jobs that I assume they make money at. They seem to be able to get jobs even though their work ethic is just absurdly bad.
So, yes, my children who can read, do math, think for themselves, and who are just plain friendly and nice, will do just fine. And, the next time you are at chick-fil-a, ask the super friendly person serving your food if they were homeschooled. Because that business actively recruits homeschoolers. Chick-fil-a knows a good thing when they see it."

Question 4: What about college? How will they get into college?

I laugh at this one. I mean, most homeschoolers score so high on college entrance exams that they are being begged to choose that college to balance out the absolutely horrible reading levels of government school students.
It got so bad here in Florida, that state funded universities and colleges can no longer require government educated high school graduates to take the entrance exams.
Wanna guess why this sparked a huge protest from college professors? It is because they knew that they would be the ones having to pick up the slack.
The entrance test exam was there for a reason. Now, kids who can't read are being forced into classes they can't handle!

"My child can absolutely thrive at college if that is what she wants. However, colleges and universities are nasty, black pits of sorrow where money and a love of learning go to die. Petty professors, meaningless assignments and completely skewed policies define these institutions.
Their methods of instruction are the least effective form of teaching.
Basements all over the country are filled with man-kids who went to college, got a meaningless degree and now live off their impoverished parents. (Impoverished by their child's student loans that can't be repaid by someone who spends all their time on video games.)
So, while they can get into college. Their daddy and I don't recommend it except in absolutely necessary situations."

Question 5: How can you stand being around your kids so much?

This may not be one that you have heard put quite this way, but I assure you, it is asked.
So, what usually happens is someone is completely amazed that you homeschool because they cannot imagine ever being responsible for their children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I will be honest, it does sound kind of nice to have 8 hours a day or more where you are not responsible for the safety and wellbeing of your child. It is a totally stressful thing, for sure.
But, the alternative to homeschooling is to basically never see your own children.
People who put their children in daycares, and then schools, also seem to love to fill their days with extracurriculars and activities.
I mean, seriously people, when do you even see your own family?

"When Perry and I started having children, we already agreed that there is no point in having children if you don't plan to ever be around them.
From the moment our first child was born, older people kept on telling us that time goes by so quickly, enjoy every moment. Yet, the cruel irony of this good advice is that basically all of these people had put their children in school.
Have you ever considered how many hours a year your child is away from you just to be in school? Why? How many hours do they spend doing homework away from you? How many hours do they spend at other activities that you pay for and plan?
Are you sure you qualify as a parent? Kind of sounds more like you are a hotel concierge that checks their children in at night and then stuffs them with a quick breakfast before shipping them off to wherever is next on their busy schedule.
If you do not think you can be around your children that much, maybe you NEED to homeschool even more than I do."

Well, that is my two and a half cents on the matter. Probably a bit more naughty than sarcastic, but, since this is all a hypothetical conversation, a little naughty is kind of cathartic! 😂

Just keep swimming' y'all!
Kari Erdly